I am

I am the meticulous creator of my own circumstances

I am the altruistic author of each poisonous line my mind feeds me

I am the perplexing architect of my own constructed pathways that lead unceasingly to locked doors

I am the labyrinthine fabricator of every intricate level of my insides, every one precariously placed upon another

I am the designer of these perfectly accepted outsides of myself and the unidentified detested insides of myself

I am undoubtedly, inarguably, undisputedly the only maker of me

Is there one single being that can fathom and discern the things I’ve done?

Is there anything capable of assimilating the complicated state of my mind that fed each step I’ve taken?

Not any longer

I am witness to my choices engraved on the inside of my skin

Carved there after each choice was acted out

I will live with each one until I can shed this skin

Or until the moment every inch of my skin is carved to pieces

And there is nothing left of my complex obscure muddled creation

I should change my name to Stereotypical Cali Girl….except I’m from Minnesota

In my daily state of continual deliberation and resolution
and my subsequent fastidious refined communications
Cognitive enlightenment supersedes and prevails
Accused, arraigned and advised regarding my serious deliberate nature
My words are diminished, disparaged, discounted
As reactions are no longer murky or obscure
the resulting sounds of bellowing silence is all that’s heard from my lips

for abeyant pause

Tenaciously afoot on the uninhabited alleyway I’ve engineered for myself
Firmly attaching each step in the absolute belief of truth in personal convictions
I can do nothing else but remain unpierceable and steadfast
However misunderstood or misinterpreted

And on that note,

its not retreat or surrender you see or think you feel
Its acknowledgment that who I believe myself to be
is greater than
my conformity
Its my sheer complacency at the residuals and consequences
of being me

Insomnolence, haiku(s)

Deep in the confines

Of the deepest darkest night

A strife to meet dawn

Imposing thoughts bleed

Swiftly vanquishing clear thought

Like a cancer weaves

A drowning is near

Struggles against strong current

Bring breathless appeals

As lamentations

Fall silently on deaf ears

Despair swells inside

The will to surface

Abandons the surrender

As the struggle ebbs

Fighting worn urges

Listening to new voices

Gripping sanity

Tired eyes may close

In a most sought after peace

Raging tempest lulls

Equivocal

You are special to me, a delightful delicacy

a copious quenching to my sapless parched hollow

eager to fall into your sanguine vows of faith and approval
savor the warm embrace of descriptive words so lovely and delight in the comforting insignias

 aberrant, different and you like unique ~so refreshingly restoring

fierce independence, its attractive ~ so thankful

unexampled intelligence ~ and comforting
beautiful, howbeit scars and imperfections that add aesthetic loveliness a tearful gratefulness

uniquely insightful, perceptive muse ~oh to be appreciated

clarity and tenderness gracing my speech, a special way with words ~ and now, speaking more freely

At

what

point

was

all

of

that

distorted

slanted

and

misshapen

so

severely?

Unique…..became rogue and confusing,

Independence……….is now the way I dont need you

Intelligence…….has become manipulative

Beautiful….. is now cold and aloof

Insightful…..is now naive and misguided

Grace infused speech………… is just cowardice and dishonest

Left reeling in the wake of my trust and vulnerability faux pas
I can’t help but wonder how we were so deceived by all deceptive faults I had,
How they could be so delusory to have fooled us both?

Transient

The hollowness echoes resounding implications of staggering waste

an undertone careless shortsightedness

In the devastating epiphany of what was squandered

where is the strength mustered to resolve and press on?

Drastically waylaid by grief in the wake of

arrogant
ignorant
disregard

A vulnerability,
over an affecting debasement and destruction,
all encompassing,
can only be pulled from the despondent wreckage
by sheer will and determination
not in the sureness of time lost

But in a flicker and promise of

the comforting opportunity of afforded time left

Bared

The soft delicate center,
the nucleus,
where all originated and purported itself in naive speculative presumption
a core vulnerable to a tender touch
to a gentle whisper
to resonant iniquitous malignant words
to unrelenting nips and jabs
to pain and affliction
to love and attachment
It ever so gradually becomes covered in a camouflaged impenetrable shell of protection
thick in viscosity and consistency
dense, opaque and impermeable
Yet seemingly transparent to the unassuming eye
disguised as strength and tenacity
masked as obstinance
cloaked as apathy
masqueraded as indifference

The eventual splits and rifts as that tender core struggles to free itself
feeling stifled, strangled
amalgamated with chosen selected submitted restraint
exhibiting the desire for freedom that’s natural and indigenous
The occasional furious attempts amid the more timid constant scraping at the walls of protection
draws pieces of the shell and dense covering inside that tender core
creating a mass of intertwined threads and beads in unconscious effort to infest the purity so deliberately protected
sitting atop a timed explosive, ticking loudly
each crack and breakage threatening the strength of false preservation

Eagerly awaiting and anticipating the explosion and annihilation
brandishing
laying open
displaying,baring
revealing
the final stages of exposure
over exposure
transcending prophetically into the limitless unveiled days
And a content simper at the equanimity in the new found start of accurate delineation